10 Jan What To Do When Your Husband Cheats
Beyond Breath TV: What To Do When Your Husband Has Been Unfaithful
Today I want to talk to you about something that most married women don’t want to talk about. It’s something that you never dreamed would happen to you and something that is circled in shame, judgment, and confusion.
You may not want to hear this question, but here it goes: What can you do when your husband has been unfaithful? Infidelity is an important topic that can both be hard to admit and hard to accept, especially when you are hearing opinions such as: “He wouldn’t have cheated on you if he was fulfilled at home,” or “Once a cheater, always a cheater.” You’ll also hear things like “After infidelity infiltrates your marriage, it’s over,” and “His cheating tells you what he’s chosen. It’s time to move on.” And finally, “Where is your self-respect, girl? You staying in your marriage tells him it’s okay to keep cheating.”
A Living Nightmare
These myths and sayings probably get you thinking, “I must not be good enough or he wouldn’t have done this,” or “He cheated once, he’ll probably cheat again.” You may even be thinking, “Why am I still here? My marriage is over. What’s wrong with me that I want to try to keep it alive? He obviously doesn’t love me. He made his choice. And if I don’t leave, he’s not being punished, and he’ll just do it again.”
This brings on so much confusion as you feel the heaviness of the decision on your shoulders and every waking moment is just filled with checking the boxes of what life is asking of you while you exhaust yourself with worry. You wonder, “Where is he? What’s he doing? How should I speak to him so that he can validate and hear me? What if he cheats on me again? What do we do to fix this and how do we move on?” Now for the record, these thoughts are completely normal. And as crazy as you might feel, let me assure you, you are not. Also, I know that you do NOT want to keep living in this crazy space. I’ve been there.
So today I’m going to share with you what to do when your husband has been unfaithful. I guarantee you that even if you aren’t sure your husband is cheating, this will help you find clarity and peace of mind. With that being said, let’s get into the details.
What Doesn’t Work
If you’re anything like me, you’ve probably got the ‘Let’s Fix It’ attitude. You’ve already ordered all the books on the topic of infidelity and betrayal trauma, and you’ve already scheduled a session with a local therapist that’s contracted in your insurance plan.
But if your heart has been closed off out of anger and resentment, and your mind continues to replay the images of the texts or pictures that you saw, and you continually pull away from your husband or question his every move, reading a book isn’t going to help. And getting things off your chest with a therapist might feel good for a minute, but at the end of the day, will you have learned any new skills on how to move closer to your husband or how to overcome this infidelity?
Can you imagine taking two hours out of every week for the next two years sitting in a therapist’s office, learning the whys, hows, and whats of how you got to this place in your marriage, only to be left reeling inside? You whisper snide comments in the back of your mind, use sarcasm, roll your eyes, and truly, sincerely just want to curl into a fetal position and cry as you feel your heart break over and over again. Can you imagine going home with him in awkward silence, unsure of what to do, what to say, or how to act? Can you imagine feeling more triggered than before, replaying fresh visuals in your mind, and then needing to go home to your daily tasks? Maybe you’ve already experienced this and the reason I can speak to this so well is because I have experienced it, too.
If your husband has been unfaithful to you, you have to do the hard stuff first. This consists of three things:
Step #1: Clear your emotional trauma
The first thing you have to do after you find out your husband has been unfaithful is clear the emotional trauma that has infiltrated your body. This means that you have to overcome the anger, resentment, and constant fear of him doing this again. You’ll have to overcome the ruminating thoughts, the insecurity, the complete confusion, the panic of wondering where he is and who he’s with, and the severe desire to check his phone.
Now, I’m a very visual person, so follow me on this. Imagine that after your husband’s infidelity, you’re placed inside a plexiglass box. You can still see the outer world, but it seems to be a little more blurry than usual. Images aren’t as clear, words aren’t heard as directly, and feelings and information from others hit the plexiglass and bounce off, unable to be absorbed into you.
Inside this box, you feel trapped. You don’t know what happened to you, but you are not the same. The images bounce around of him and her inside of this box, and because they have nowhere to go, you see them over and over and over. You’re scared because you don’t know how to get out of this box, but also you’re not sure you want to get out of this box. Because as much as you hate it, it feels safe. This is why the very first thing you have to do is clear your emotional trauma. As scary as it sounds, you have to learn how to remove this protective plexiglass from around your body.
Step #2: Creating Something New
The second thing that you have to do is what we call create. After the box has been removed and you’ve tepidly reentered real life, it can feel very scary. For however many months or years you lived in that box, your fine motor skills were strengthened in hyper-vigilance, worry, fear, panic, and anxiety. The muscle memory there is very strong and it’s very easy to slip right back into those patterns. So you have to create new fine motor skills to hold you in the place of pleasure, happiness, trust, peace, self-confidence, certainty, and safety so that that becomes who you are.
Step #3: Time to Connect
Finally, the third thing you have to do after you find out about your husband’s infidelity is connect. I have worked with many clients over the years and have seen many couples survive this horrible nightmare. I have also seen many couples call it quits. What was the difference between these couples? Well, the ones who survived reconnected in a brand-new way. Both spouses brought their healed selves into the marriage to build a marriage they could be proud of. There is a way to do this that is so whole and so beautiful and so real that these couples thrive.
Now, I know you want a magic pill to fix everything right now, but it’s just not possible. But what is possible is creating a beautiful marriage after infidelity, if you’re willing to go through the process I’ve outlined here. It is possible to leave behind panic, worry, and fear and to live a life of clarity, peace, and love. So now I’d like to hear from you: What have you done so far to heal your marriage after your husband’s infidelity and what symptoms are you still experiencing?
Please tell me in the comments below. Click HERE to gain instant access to an awesome, free training where I share the secrets to creating a marriage full of passion, intimacy, and excitement after your husband’s infidelity. You’ll also find exclusive content, some special giveaways, and personal updates from me that I don’t share anywhere else.
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