How Do I Know If My Husband is Cheating on Me?
Updated: Jan 25
Beyond Breath TV: How Do I Know If My Husband is Cheating on Me?
When reaching out to me on social media, women constantly ask me the question, “How do I know if he's cheating?” Well, today I want to share with you:
Why you have been unable to find the answer to that question
What you need to do to truly know if he's being unfaithful or not
Now, I want you to know that I am sorry that you are experiencing these worries. I know firsthand what it’s like to live with a pit in your stomach, a constant pounding of your heart, and nonstop, frantic thoughts twirling and whirling in your mind.
What Is And Isn’t Cheating?
Before I get deeper into this, I think it's important to define what cheating is. According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, cheating is defined as “breaking a promise made to someone such as one's wife or husband by having sex with someone else.” But that leads to more questions. Is pornography cheating? What about massage parlors? What about sexting or having a profile on a dating site? What about the woman at work that your husband seems to be emotionally connected to? Isn't that considered cheating, too?
I want to share with you how I define cheating. Cheating is when one partner in a committed relationship steals the energy that they have promised to their partner and gives it to another. In other words, they are cheating their partner of what is rightfully theirs through secrets, lies, and attention. As energy is needed to maintain secrecy like this, they are stealing energy away from their marriage.
Different Day. Same Conversation.
Let's get to the big question. How do you know if your husband is cheating on you?
Well, unfortunately, there is no way to know the answer to that question. You’ve probably already spoken with your husband and mentioned that things have felt off for a while now. You've brought him your concerns, asked him if everything’s okay, and let him know that you desire to reconnect and be close. These conversations have been had, but you're still totally confused and things just don't feel right.
In response, maybe he's told you that you're making stuff up or that he’s just been really busy lately. Maybe he’s said that work has been stressful or that the kids have just needed a lot. You know that there is no way to know if he's being unfaithful, but you’re still feeling uneasy.
You've looked through his phone and social media to try to find evidence, hoping to validate the weird feelings that you've been experiencing, and maybe you saw something that sounded an alarm. You brought it up to him and he had a story or a reason for it that doesn't seem to make sense. Worse than that, maybe you are afraid to bring it up to him because you think he'll be mad at you for questioning him or looking through his things. Alternatively, maybe you didn't find anything. You’re thinking that you are the crazy one and that it's all in your head.
Emotional Trauma: The Real Reason The Answers Aren’t Clear
Let’s get to the real heart of the matter. You haven’t been able to find a concrete answer to your question. You haven’t been able to move beyond the chaos and worry of wondering if your husband is cheating on you. All of this, the psychotic torture and endless, soul-piercing thoughts, are because you have experienced emotional trauma.
Emotional trauma keeps you in a place of elevated worry in which your mind dwells on perceived difficulty and trouble. It keeps you in a place of anxiety and panic in which you can't stop thinking about the future. You’re fixated on imagining the end of your marriage or what you might do if he really is cheating on you. You keep asking yourself if you'd stay. Emotional trauma keeps you in a place of obsession in which you’re compelled to go back and look for more evidence or data to justify your worries. It will also keep you in a place of disbelief in which you may have found concrete evidence or even in-your-face proof, but you still can't believe what is in front of you.
So you continue to cycle through your worries while habitually asking your husband if everything is okay. These conversations, once over, never seem to you to be complete or solid or truthful. You launch into anxiety or even panic when you visualize the future together and when you picture it apart. What will all this do to your kids? What will your family think?
Walking In the Dark
Despite the depths of anguish that you may already be finding yourself in, you're not even sure if he's cheating. Nonetheless, you’re obsessively seeking answers, whether that's through digging up his search history or sneaking his phone away at night. At other times, your fears may take the form of overdoing it when it comes to trying to be the best wife. If you’re just good enough, you think, he won't need anybody else.
Yet no matter what happens or doesn't happen through your efforts to find condemning evidence or be the best wife, nothing makes sense. Everything just brings on more confusion and you continue to find yourself in disbelief. Is this really your life? Would he really do this to you, to your family? Are you overreacting? Are you making this up?
This state of emotional trauma that you’ve found yourself in may make you ready to wave the white flag of surrender in the air. You may be concluding that your marriage is doomed, that all of your dreams and desires have been thrown out the window.
Stop. Breathe. Your perception is much too clouded right now for you to be making any decisions. It is definitely not the time to just quit. That is not good enough. You know it and I know it. There is still a way that you can create a lasting, sustainable, and beautiful marriage.
A Way to Knowledge and Peace
In order for you to find the clarity and discernment that you need, you have to do three things.
Number one: Clear. You have to clear the emotional trauma from your brain, your nervous system, and your body. Once this is underway, you will begin to see the truth. You will be able to judge whether your husband is cheating on you or not.
Number two: Create. You have to create new skills and muscle memory. You have to refuse to let yourself get sucked back into that traumatized state.
If you do, in fact, find that your husband is being unfaithful, you may get sucked back into that traumatized state. Confusion will follow and you may stay stuck in that for years. Perhaps you already know what this feels like. However, if you do find that your husband is being faithful, you can then go on to create a foundation for a marriage that is full of trust, connection, vulnerability, openness, and love.
Then, there’s the third part of the process: Connect. You have to learn how to reconnect and build a marriage of which you are both proud.
If your husband is cheating on you, there's a lot of healing that's going to need to take place. This healing is so important, whether you decide to stay with him or not. If it turns out that your husband isn't cheating on you, then you’ve simply been practicing bettering yourself in a way that can benefit both of you for the rest of your lives together.
You want to know what the hard part of this is? It's what I call the ‘Please, God’. You whisper under your breath, “Please, don't let this be the truth.”
Truth. What exactly should we mean by that? It's when we do this healing work, and we start to see our reality. Maybe he’s being unfaithful. Maybe he’s not. Either reality can be hard to comprehend, but I promise you that facing the truth is so much better than staying stuck and fearful behind that same question, “How do I know if my husband is cheating on me?” Finding the truth to this question allows you to move forward.
So now it's your time to share with me. Please comment below and answer these questions.
Are you ready for clarity?
Are you ready to get out of the cycle of crazy?
If your answer is yes, tell me why and be sure to head over to sariahbastian.com and subscribe to become a Beyond Breath Insider. You'll gain instant access to an awesome training in which I share the secrets to creating a marriage full of passion, intimacy, and excitement.
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